Of Distant Memories and Forgotten Dreams
by anomaly16
Summary: He knows he's still innately connected to the fiery assassin, and he thinks that maybe, in a distant past, they once were in love. But before he can move on he has to find the answers to the questions that weigh him down, so he writes her a letter, and holds out hope that it isn't too late for some child's play. one shot, comic-verse details mixed with movie-verse relationship.
1. A Chance At Child's Play

**Warnings**: none

**Author's Note**: comic-verse background in terms of relationship, though I altered the timeline. Movie-verse Clintasha relationship though, Post Avengers movie time wise.

**Disclaimer: **I sadly do not own Avengers or any of the characters involved on the show. :[

**Of Distant Memories and Forgotten Dreams**

Natasha-

I've been thinking about you a lot lately, have you been thinking about me? Of course not, you're the one who chose to leave, the one who ended things before they began. But I'm not bitter, or angry with you, I could never be angry with you. I know now why we never could have worked-not with our lifestyle. But that was a lie, wasn't it? One we both told ourselves to make it easier. Because I hear you're with him, and I have a feeling you know I'm with her. And they both fall into that lifestyle that prevented us from being together.

Once upon a time I loved you, and once upon a time I think you loved me too. But as you used to say, love is for children. And so are fairy tales. All we have is reality, and we both know our reality dictated that we were never children, both of us forced to grow up too fast, with ghosts instead of childhood memories.

Before you left, when 'we' decided we could never be, you'd said it would be too complicated, that it would only open a weakness for our enemies. So I ask, is your life in New York with him less complicated? I have no shame in admitting that my life, here in Los Angeles with her, is more complicated than ever and I have a funny suspicion it will only get more complicated.

I suppose by now you must be wondering why I've chosen now to seek you out again, after all, its been a few years since we parted partnership. I suppose at its simplest, I am writing to ask if you are happy. I only ask because I've found I cannot answer the question for myself, and I have a nagging suspicion my answer lies with you. Natasha, I am getting married. Well, I haven't asked her yet, but we've talked about it and I know she'd say yes. After you left, SHIELD partnered me with Bobbi Morse, one thing led to another, and if things continue as they are, we'll soon be married. I know you already know of her, just like I suspect you weren't surprised to read I know about Murdock. But despite us both being involved, having moved on as they say, I find my mind constantly on us. And before I can execute my plan to propose, there are some things that I must know; things only you can provide answers to.

I want to know if you've ever thought about us having a future, or if it was as hard for you as it was for me to end our partnership. I want to ask you if you were lying to yourself when we parted paths or if you really believed what you had said, or if you've had regrets since I last saw you. I want to ask if when we were walking away from one another for the last time you ever turned to look back, because I did, but I never saw if you did. I want to know who's taken my place as your sparring partner, who patches you up after a mission, or who's there to hold you after a mission goes wrong...Natasha, I want to ask you so many things, but I won't.

Before I move on with my plans, my life the best I am able to, I _need_ to ask you just one thing. Natasha-Nat, if I may still call you that, I need to know-before I close the book on us, do you think we could still have some child's play?

Always,

Clint.

_A/N: going off of the comic history that Hawkeye marries Bobbi Morse/Mockingbird, they move to L.A. and Natasha has a relationship with Matt Murdock/Daredevil...one-shot, may turn into more though if people want a follow-up._


	2. Always Yours, Nat

**Of Distant Memories and Forgotten Dreams :: chapter 2**

Clint-

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to respond. I know you, and trust you, well enough that I can honestly admit that your letter threw me, and as many times as I tried to formulate a response, none seemed to do your letter justice. I hope this one will and that it isn't too late for me to put in my two cents on the matter.

I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about you since I left, and yes, while I was ultimately the one to stop the dreams of us together, the one who ended things before they began as you put it, it doesn't mean the thought doesn't cross my mind. You were truly my first friend, the first person I cared about, the first person who _knew _Natasha instead of the Black Widow. You saved my life, and you were the first person I've ever trusted. I will always love you for that, Clint.

I can tell from your words that somewhere inside of you, deep down, perhaps even subconsciously, you know that our lifestyle still prevents our happiness. You weren't wrong when you said I knew about her, or that I was always aware that you knew of him-some parts of a partnership never fade, keeping tabs on one another being one of them. You said it yourself; life for you is complicated with no end in sight. I admit that my life isn't as simple as I would've hoped, then again, it never has been, but you know that better than any, don't you? But be that as it may, I still think complicated with another is better than complicated with each other. Years ago I told you I'd been compromised, and even though I wasn't fully ready to admit it then, I am ready now. My love for you compromised me. Which is why I made the choice I did all those years ago. I'd let my guard down, and let you in, which was a wonderful thing. A very wonderful thing, but also an unforgiveable danger. I wasn't prepared with how far I was willing to go to protect you, the things I would do or the lines I would cross to keep you safe. And knowing how far into the black I would go for you, I knew our enemies wouldn't blink about going even further to hurt you if they knew you mattered to me. I couldn't put myself, or you, in a position where we would have to destroy ourselves to save the other. And I know you wouldn't hesitate if I was being threatened, but we both know too well that once you've crossed into darkness its damn hard to find any light. I also knew that if it came down to it I wouldn't be able to watch you die for me, and I sure as hell didn't want to make you watch me die for you. So I made the decision that we could never be. You asked if our reason was a lie, and maybe it is in a way. We are both, after all, involved within the lifestyle, but I counter with that the truth lies in the ones involved rather than the situation.

Am I happy? If anyone else would have asked I would have honestly been able to say yes. But because it's you asking, and you making me think about things I'd rather leave buried and locked away, my answer, I think, is happy enough. Perhaps in a distant memory I was truly happy. I remember feeling unequivocally content at some point ages ago, but the feeling has long since died, either from atrophy or it being too painful to think about what could have been. I say happy enough because he does make me happy and work is still strong here in New York, but I can never be as happy as how you're asking because it's not possible anymore. You see, Clint, when I was truly happy, when I didn't realize what I had, it was when we were together. I've spun a carefully constructed web of partial truths and white lies to protect myself from the torment that will surely come should my web break, and my web cannot break, Clint, I am the Black Widow, and a widow is nothing without her web. You said you couldn't answer the question for yourself, is it because you don't want to break your balance? We made our choices and we have to see them out and if that means accept the happiness we have and ignore that a higher state is possible, then so it goes.

The things you want to ask, do you really want the answers? I have a feeling that however I answer them will hurt you. There's no winning a loaded question. Either I tell you how hard it was walking away, that I almost broke and ran back to you every time I stole a glance back and you keep hope alive for us or I tell you that no, I wasn't lying when we left, that I've had no regrets and never looked back and I break your heart. Either way we lose, and neither way is any good, because there isn't a single answer I could give that would bring us together. Know one thing, Clint…no one can ever take your place by my side. So instead of answers, let me ask you a few questions that have been itching at my mind. Do you still have a Kit Kat bar before every mission or do you still have a beer after a successful mission and shots after a mission gone wrong? Who helps patch you up now that I'm no longer there to save you from the medical ward? Does someone remember to bring you food after hard missions? Because I know you forget to eat, and tell me, who's there to watch your back so you can sleep on a mission? I hope someone is there to take care of you…I know you don't need someone to take care you, after all, you're the best in the field, but I hope someone is there to care of you.

Which brings me to your final question…the book is never over with us, Clint. How can it be? It's still being written and I imagine the story won't end until one of us dies. This is just the end of a chapter, and the beginning of another. Clint, there is always the chance for child's play…being compromised doesn't simply end with physical separation, as much as either of us would like it to. That being said, I do think it's best, in the big picture, if you close the chapter. Above all I want you to be happy and if marrying her will make you happy, then I want you to do it. You deserve it, and you deserve it with someone who isn't as unmade as I am. Perhaps in another lifetime we can have child's play, but as you said, we both lost that right when we were kids forced to become adults, when we were dressed up like soldiers and assassins and forced into reality instead of make believe.

I know that after all I've put you through I have no right to ask anything of you, or to expect any act of goodwill on your part, but I can't leave this without a plea…If you do decide to marry her, if you decide to live the live you deserve, promise me just one thing-promise me you'll never lose hope and you'll never forget Budapest.

Always yours,

Nat.

_A/N: Had to keep this going! I'm working on some more chapters, a few more letters between our favorite assassins. Going off of the comic history that Hawkeye marries Bobbi Morse/Mockingbird, they move to L.A. and Natasha has a relationship with Matt Murdock/Daredevil..._


	3. Coming Home

**Of Distant Memories and Forgotten Dreams :: chapter 3**

Natasha-

It's been years since I last wrote you, and seven since we last were together. Though that's only partially true, isn't it? Because last year, after that sonic arrow compromised my hearing, and I was in the med wing, drifting in and out of consciousness, I swear I saw you slip back into the ceiling vent. Maybe I'm wrong, my vision hazy and my memories clouded from the drugs, but I swear you were with me, holding my hand while I slept, squeezing messages of reassurance and comfort in morse code into my hand. But whenever I was awake, you were gone, and I alone.

I still have your last letter, Natasha. I still keep it close, and I find that whenever I begin to think about us, I pull it out and read it. Life sure hasn't turned out how I thought. Marriage, the apple pie life it was supposed to bring, the temporary façade…nothing seemed to quite stick and while there were moments of happiness-true contentment, I think-it never lasted and before I knew it reality would rear it's ugly, mundane head. Morse and I have gone our separate ways. Looking back I can see it was doomed from the start…you can't love someone, marry someone, when your heart belongs to another.

They say your life flashes before you right before you die, your greatest accomplishments, or the people you love the most, and it's true, Nat, all of it. The sonic explosion brought me clarity; it showed me the one thing I want, the only thing I've ever wanted. I didn't see my professional accomplishments in SHIELD, or my family, or the wins we've racked up for Fury. I saw my biggest regret, that day when we said goodbye, when we both stole glances back but neither had the stones to turn back. I should've fought for us, Natasha, I should have run back and refused to say goodbye. Natasha, I should've fought you to prove to you that you were wrong about us. And I saw us; I saw Budapest, the mission in Moscow where we were holed up in the dingy motel for two weeks after our covers were blown, and the mission in Istanbul when we were both injured but trying to care for the other. Natasha, I saw us fall in love. And I say us because this time, watching from the outside, I could see that it wasn't just me like I'd always thought. Your little tells gave you away and in that moment when I was flying backwards through the air-the one between life and death-I saw your carefully spun web, designed to keep people out, break when it caught a hawk. But I didn't die like I was so sure I would, and to my surprise, the clarity that came in the blast remained. And, afterwards when I was stuck in medical waiting for news on if I'd ever hear again, my mind wasn't on my injury or what it meant for my future. Natasha, all I could think about was you, about us. About how I may never hear your voice again, or your beautiful singing when you think I'm not around listening. I thought about how the last thing I heard from you was goodbye and how I didn't want that to be our story. The blast was the final wake up call I needed to make a change in my life. I ended things with Morse, in truth we both knew it was over long before, the injury was merely a convenient end. As much as I wanted to contact you right then, I needed to take care of some things first. See, before I could come for you, I had to make sure I was still Hawkeye…I had to adjust to my new life, to make sure I could still be the person you needed, the person you deserved.

Which brings me to my final point: I'm returning to New York and word is you're still there…I want to see you, Nat. I need to see you. Two weeks. In two weeks at 1700 hours I'll be at our spot-you remember the one, don't you? I hope to see you there because I'm coming home to fight, for us, for the wasted seven years and all the heartache in between, for the future, and to apologize for not coming sooner.

Always,

Clint

_A/N: Sorry for the long delay between chapters…life ha. I've got several more outlined and planned…the story should be finished within a week or so. The explosion referenced is from the comic-verse where Hawkeye loses his hearing in a blast from sonic arrows and thus has to use hearing aids. _


	4. Missed Connections

**Of Distant Memories and Forgotten Dreams :: chapter 4**

Clint-

God, I hope this letter finds you…I leave tomorrow at 0700 for a mission. When you arrive at our spot I'll be 10,000 miles away. 10,000 miles away wishing I was with you. I don't know how long I'll be gone but I'll find you when I return stateside. I promise.

Your vision's never failed you, Hawkeye, and it didn't a year ago in the med wing. More than once I let me own selfish desire, my need to be close to you, silence my instincts, delaying my exit through the vents. Morse or the medical staff almost caught me a few times, and I now know you did, but I couldn't stop. I had to make sure you were alright. I had to stay close, and learn every detail of the accident so I could make sure your injury wasn't preventable. Because if it could've been prevented, if I could've saved you if I were there, I never would've been able to forgive myself. Partners protect each other's sixes, and I had failed to protect yours.

As I think about our past, about Budapest, Moscow, and Istanbul among the others, I think you may be right, Clint, about everything. There are things I need to say to you, things that should've been said long ago, but couldn't have, I don't think. We needed the entire country between us to truly realize what exactly we're fighting for and I get the feeling we wouldn't be so sure had we never parted.

I need you to get this before you leave for the city so you don't show up to our spot alone. Don't give up on me, Clint. It's time for some child's play.

Always yours,

Nat


	5. Back Home

**Of Distant Memories and Forgotten Dreams :: chapter 5**

Natasha-

Part of me hopes that you didn't get my last letter. That when I was waiting in our spot the other night, you had no idea I was there. But that's a lie-all of me hopes for that. Because the other option is unbearable, and even thinking about it creates a deep ache in my chest.

In case you didn't get my letter, I'm back in New York. As I sit here in the park, on our bench, I'm wondering why I even left, or if I even did. Nothing's changed about this place-Carlo's still selling hot dogs and pretzels on the corner, and that old couple is still here feeding the pigeons. These past few years seem like a dream, like I was floating through life, watching through glass. Being here in New York, here in our spot, this feels real. If I shut my eyes I can picture the last few years here in the city, with you, and it seems so real, Nat. The only evidence I have that it isn't is the fading ring tan on my left finger and the empty void in my heart.

I'm back in my safe house-I didn't get rid of it when I moved…maybe some part of me knew I'd need it again. I need you, Nat. I realize now more than ever how much I do, and I won't quit until I find you.

Always,

Clint


	6. Waiting

**Of Distant Memories and Forgotten Dreams :: chapter 6**

Natasha-

I received a letter from you today-forwarded from California.

Be safe. I'll be here when you get back.

Always,

Clint


	7. Call to Duty

**Of Distant Memories and Forgotten Dreams :: chapter 7**

Agent Barton-

Your presence at headquarters is requested immediately. There were complications with the Syrian mission. Agent Romanoff has been compromised. All Avengers are needed for rescue and extraction. Details waiting upon your arrival.

-Director Fury

_A/N: Twist! Don't worry, all will be well_


	8. Won't Stop

**Of Distant Memories and Forgotten Dreams :: chapter 8**

Natasha-

I write this as myself, Steve, Tony, Bruce, and Thor are crammed into a SHIELD quinjet, en route to rescue you. They wouldn't let me fly-Steve was worried I'd be too emotional and distracted to pilot so he told me to come back here to rest up. It was a nice gesture but God knows I can't rest, not knowing if you're safe or not. I don't even want to think about the possibility that you may be hurt, let alone gone.

When Fury wrote to all of us, saying you'd been compromised on your mission, I could only curse myself for not being with you to watch your back. Partners don't do that- let the other go solo that is, and I'm sorry, Nat, I'm so sorry I wasn't there with you. Because no matter how bad it ever got, we always found a way home, together. Natasha, I promise I'll bring you home.

By my watch, we're landing soon…I spent all last night analyzing your mission details, your check ins, the area. I think I have a pretty good idea of where to start. Knowing you, you wouldn't be taken without leaving a trail or a sign. Not if you were conscious. We're going to hit the ground running, and I won't stop until you're in my arms.

Natasha, I'm giving this letter and another to Steve because he above all understands the importance of goodbyes. Nat, if something goes wrong and I don't make it…I'm sorry, and I know you'll be pissed as hell, but know that I had to do it. The second letter will be a more proper apology and goodbye in case of the worst, but I hope I can get it back from Steve once you're safe in my arms; he's only to give it to you if I don't make it. Before we parted ways all those years ago we promised we'd be there for one another, that we'd always be partners even if no longer officially. We've never broken a promise between us, Nat, and I'll be damned if I start now- I'm getting you back, so hold on, wherever you are, stay strong, stay you, I'm coming.

Always,

Clint


	9. Wake Up Call

**Of Distant Memories and Forgotten Dreams :: chapter 9**

Clint-

God damn it, Barton. You had to play the hero, rush in bow blazing…and now you're here in medical, still unconscious and with four extra holes in your body that you shouldn't have. All to get me out unharmed. I could've waited longer, I had it in me. We both know I've gone longer without food and being prodded and stuck for intel. The red room prepared me well for that. And they weren't going to kill me, they needed me alive, and I knew that from the moment I was captured-it didn't fit their profile to kill me, just to maim. I imagine you knew that too, but then again, you always had a soft spot for me getting hurt.

Steve gave me your swan song letters that you wrote on the plane there. He saved it until after I was cleared by medical, patched up as best they could…he knew I'd be by your side the moment I read it. And, before you can complain, he tried to hold out on your 'deliver upon death' letter, but I wouldn't let him, and he reluctantly caved under threat of great physical pain.

I never doubted you'd come for me, Clint, and I never doubted you'd find me. Lucky for you, your doctor says you'll make a full recovery. Though he did say you made the road to recovery harder for yourself by carrying me out. You were so focused on getting me out you probably didn't even notice the two bullets that lodged in your back until you collapsed. Don't get me wrong, I'm pissed as hell at you that you're in medical because of me, but because you'll eventually be okay, that you'll live, it means I won't have to kill you.

I'll tell you one thing for sure, I have a feeling that was the last solo mission either of us will get. Somehow Fury managed to get all of you guys back together to come rescue me and in the process managed to piss off every last one of you. Steve's already given him an earful for sending me in alone and Stark's already hacked into his files to put tags on all of us so he gets an alert anytime Fury looks at our files.

Maybe it was the wake up call we all needed to realize how much we need each other on a more permanent basis. And hell, maybe Fury knew that all along. But when we're all together it feels like home. For so long it was just us, but I have a feeling you'll agree that with them, together, is where we belong.

I need you to wake up, Clint. I'm tired of writing letters. I need to hear your voice because it's been so long I'm beginning to forget what it sounds like completely. Looking back on this letter I realize that I haven't said what I meant to the first place…thank you, Clint. Thank you for coming for me, for finding me and carrying me out, for being the Clint I remember and love. Thank you for not hating me when I said we couldn't work all those years ago and above all, thank you for not giving up on me, or us…No more missed letters or crossed paths…I'm here for good, and I'll be right by your side when you wake up like we always are when the other gets hurt, I promise.

Always yours,

Nat

_A/N: Red room is from Natasha's comic-verse history _


	10. -Barton

**Of Distant Memories and Forgotten Dreams :: chapter 10**

Director Fury-

I, Clinton Francis Barton, hereby tender me resignation from SHIELD, effective immediately. While I could end it here, out of respect for our friendship and working history, I'll offer you a short explanation on the condition that you don't try to change my mind, because you won't be able to.

For one, I am getting older. There are new, younger agents capable of replacing me, and I've spent a lot of time these past few years cultivating new recruits, passing on my knowledge therefore ensuring my absence will not leave a gaping hole. Ever since the Syrian mission, Rogers and I have been carefully handpicking the best recruits to ensure the Avengers initiative can continue once we cannot. That being said, I'm not disappearing…I'll be reachable for consultation should an emergency arise, but you should note that means not unless it's of Chitauri status.

Secondly, I do not possess an iron man suit, nor am I a Norse God, have super soldier serum running through my veins, or high gamma ray exposure making me invincible. And even so, everyone is getting older, and as we both know with our business, nearing retirement. I'm more susceptible to injury and death, and yes, while I neither fear not shy away from either, recent events dictate I must.

Which brings me to my final and most important reason: Natasha's pregnant. With a child on the way I simply cannot afford to die anymore, not with two others relying on me to stay alive. And yes, this means you'll receive a similar letter from her.

So, Nat and I are taking an extended leave from NYC. Don't ask where or for how long because for the first time in awhile, it's not on your need to know.

Thank you for everything, sir, I'll be in touch.

-Barton


	11. -Natasha S Romanoff

**Of Distant Memories and Forgotten Dreams :: chapter 11**

Director-

What Clint said.

-Natasha S. Romanoff

_A/N: El fin! Thank you so much for coming along for the ride…this story was a blast to write! More stories are in the works!_


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